Or it starts feeling like ‘a problem.’ Every time I try to quit smoking, I’ll finish off my last pack of cigarettes and go a day without wanting another one. It’s hard because once you say you’re going to quit smoking – to yourself, to your girlfriend, to your friends, to anyone – any time you light a cigarette you’re breaking a promise. Addiction is knowing that another cigarette is going to make me nauseous, going to make me want to lie down, going to burn my throat, going to give me a terrible headache - and still wanting another cigarette. What to do while walking from place to place, an excuse to go outside, something to do right after a meal. It was more like the absence of something. I then realized that maybe I had just been watching too many documentaries about crystal meth, and that being addicted to cigarettes was completely different. I thought addiction to cigarettes was shaky hands, snapping at your loved ones, being unable to sleep, and roaming the streets late at night wearing a torn-up hoodie and sweatpants. You have to stop getting mad at capitalism, booze, Big Tobacco (whatever that means), the abrasiveness of those fucking Truth ads and the deliciousness of cigarettes (mm, cigarettes) and say “I AM A SMOKER (and maybe I’m addicted).”Īddiction was different than I had pictured it. My best friend and I had been up all night ingesting study drugs and shots of espresso, and while standing outside the campus McDonald’s waiting for it to open at 6am rolling cigarette after cigarette, I turned to him and said, “You know, I don’t think this is a social thing anymore.”Īt some point you have to stop blaming the big things. It was finals week of my freshman year in college. I came out as a smoker at 19, because sometimes the truth takes a long time to come to terms with. Ugh, sorry if I’m a little bit grumpy, you guys - I’m trying to quit smoking.
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